“By a 6-3 decision, the Supreme Court asked Kagan, Ginsburg and Sotomayor to make them coffee.”
Obama Says US Not Deserting Afghanistan: ‘We Will Continue to Follow You on Twitter’: Promises Strong Social Networking Ties with Afghan People
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) Announcing a drawdown of American troops, President Barack Obama tonight maintained that the United States was not deserting Afghanistan, promising the Afghan people, “We will continue to follow you on Twitter.”
Mr. Obama indicated that the United States’ relationship with Afghanistan would soon transition from a military one to a social networking one, with the United States promising to “Like” Afghanistan’s Facebook page and share contact information on LinkedIn.
70% of Existing Marriages May Already Be Gay: New Study Yields Surprising Results
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) – As lawmakers in New York clashed over legalizing gay marriage, a new study revealed that well over seventy percent of existing marriages may already be gay. … Within ten years of marriage, he added, a significant number of married men stop having sex with women altogether.
U.S. General Jealous That Syrian Army Allowed To Attack Citizens
WASHINGTON—U.S. Army Gen. James David Thurman admitted Friday that he felt extremely jealous of the Syrian military’s ability to relentlessly attack its own citizens. “When I saw footage of Syrian forces at a protest gunning down their fellow countrymen with total impunity, I thought, man, what I wouldn’t give to roll into Dayton, OH with 10,000 troops and take a few hundred people out,” said Thurman, who later called Syrian Gen. Abdul Fatah Qudsiya “the luckiest guy in the world.” “You don’t know how many times I’ve thought about driving a tank up to a packed movie theater and firing indiscriminately at American men, women, and children without any repercussions. But I can’t do that because we have all these stupid rules.” As of press time, Thurman had formally requested permission for “one little air strike” on Houston.
“According to a poll, over 50 percent of viewers thought Mitt Romney won this week’s presidential debate. They thought Mitt Romney won, yeah. Romney credits the win to his grasp of the issues and the good people at Mattel, who built him.” —Conan O’Brien
“Experts are predicting that in the first Republican debate, Mitt Romney will face his fiercest ideological opponent: himself from four years ago.” —Conan O’Brien
“Most of Newt Gingrich’s campaign staff quit on the same day and some people are blaming Newt’s third wife. When asked about it, Newt said, ‘I’ll win them back with my fourth wife.’” —Conan O’Brien
“Did you see the Republican debate last night? Oh my God! Those guys up there and Michele Bachmann, and it was exciting, and you know who did well? Michele Bachmann. Bachmann did well. Newt Gingrich was so impressed with Michele Bachmann, he gave her a $200,000 gift certificate from Tiffany’s.” —David Letterman
“Forget Obamneycare, I want to know how Minnesota’s health plan keeps Tim Pawlenty alive without a spine.” —Stephen Colbert
“Rush Limbaugh has come out with his own brand of iced tea, with a picture of him on horseback dressed as Paul Revere. How confusing is this going to be for Sarah Palin?” —Jay Leno
“Yesterday Congressman Weiner contacted Nancy Pelosi to let her know he was resigning. Weiner let her know by texting her a picture of his penis cleaning out its desk.” —Conan O’Brien
“During Congressman Weiner’s press conference, a heckler yelled, ‘Are you more than seven inches?’ Isn’t that disgusting? It’s 2011 and we’re still not on the metric system.” —Conan O’Brien
“And I still don’t think Weiner gets it. Did you hear what he said at the end of his press conference? ‘Anybody want one last look?’” —Jay Leno